I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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