I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
