Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
