im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I forget how to act sober
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
