i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
