If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
