When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
