...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
