I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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