i think my tv is drunk
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
