Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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