allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
