Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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