Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
