so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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