please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
