I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
