Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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