I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
