My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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