my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
