The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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