Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
