I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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