I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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