you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
