Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think your dad took our porno
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
