It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
