are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
