$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
