Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
