i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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