oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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