she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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