Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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