One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
