I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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