Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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