I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
