i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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