Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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