she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
