have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
