I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
