Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
