I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Vodka?
Forever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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