So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
