As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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