Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
