i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
