Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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