Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
