U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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