I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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